The funniest jokes on the net

What do you do when your dishwasher stops? Kick him in the ass!

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.  One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it w…

Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa? A: Prom.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll ju…

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. He constantly told his wife in front of…

A milkman was delivering on his round when he came to an order which said, "45 pints of milk." Puzzled, the milkman decided to ask the person weather or not he/she had made a mistake. When he knock…

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.... Consider this: You can be shit faced…

    A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "how long before I can get a haircut?"     The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.</p.     A few days la…

A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection one afternoon observed a blind man with his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross the street. All of a sudden, the policeman was aghast at the sig…

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen. 39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. 36. Come to think of …

You are so poor, thieves break in and leave things.

A man once asked Gandhi what he thought of western civilization. ''I think it would be a good idea.''

Plane: How do you fly so fast? Rocket: You'll know when your ass is on fire!

What's white and fourteen inches long? Absolutely nothing!

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights: 1. ''... stretched out on the f…

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!

I was up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The guy who invented the vibrator had a vision, and in that vision he heard voices: ''If you build it they will come.''

Have you heard about the blonde psychology major working her way through college as a prostitute? For fifty bucks, she'll screw with your mind!

What does one penny say to the other penny? Let's get together and make some cents!

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots that are checked for each night. These problems are always solved before the next flight. Here are some actual problems (P) and their solutions (S…

Why shouldn't you tell a secret around a clock? Because time will tell.

Q: What were Tarzan's last words? A: Who greased the viiiiiiiine?

Why didn't anybody hear Helen Keller scream when she fell off of the cliff? She was wearing mittens.

What is LXIX? 69, the hard way.

Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods? A: They take the psycho path.

''Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!'' ''That's entirely possible. Our cook used to be a tailor.''

Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman.

What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public? A private tutor!